“Won’t ‘finding the right woman’ change someone from gay to straight?”

I hear this a bunch from Christians who quote 1 Corinthians 7.  The problem is that it is more-fundamental childhood needs which have not been met which lead to eroticized same-sex attractions.  This is why I always say “eroticized” same-sex attractions, which turns out to be a quote of Dr. Joe Nicolosi.  The same-sex attractions are preexisting: they’re healthy and normal; they’re necessary for proper gender attachment during and following the separation phase of childhood development.  But the child does not need or want sex – he doesn’t need or want the erotic – that won’t help him on his way.  My experience is when men allow their childhood needs to be met in healthy Biblical ways, their erotic desires are happy to take a back seat.  The problem is not their self-control: the problem is their emotional wounds and perceiving their same-sex needs as equal to their erotic desires.  If you offer advice which presumes that the legit same-sex needs are the same as the erotic desires, you are enforcing the double-bind instead of helping him separate them.

We never suggest a man to get divorced, but we also never suggest a man get married until he has healed his underlying emotional wounds.  For these men who think marriage will “fix” them need to read 1 Corinthians also: marriage will not make you happy.  I see between 30%-50% divorce rates from men who get married before healing their underlying emotional wounds.  What has happened in these cases is that they married a woman who didn’t want a healthy man, because of her own emotional wounds.  When he starts to heal, she isn’t ok with this “new man”, and wounds of her own caused by unhealthy men in her past come to the surface resulting in a desire to leave.  In cases where infidelity has happened, her decision to leave may be justified, but the percentage of wives who choose to leave despite their husband’s getting serious help is disheartening.  The other half of the women respect their husband’s healing process, are willing to “do their own work” (which means being willing to heal any emotional wounds she may have), forgive their husbands for his infidelity, and become their husband’s biggest supporters on their journey.  Women who make that choice are the most beautiful.  And yes, there are plenty of them out there.