Month: December 2013

“What do you mean by ‘need fulfillment’? Isn’t that just ‘diet gay’?”

Our over-eroticized culture has twisted many healthy expressions of same-sex affection, examples of which are replete throughout the Old and New Testaments.  Men who primarily speak the love ‘language’ of “physical touch”, as described by Dr. Gary Chapman in The Five Love Languages, appear to be especially susceptible to extreme need deprivation in our shell-shocked culture.  “Need fulfillment” is the practice of helping men get their legitimate, God-given needs for acceptance, affirmation and affection met in non-erotic ways.  By having these needs met, it not only helps us feel ‘ok’ and accepted and good, but also “fills our love tank”.  While these activities can be guided by a therapist, they are most beneficial when they happen in authentic relationships, with appropriate boundaries.  There are only a handful of support groups vibrant enough to offer this kind of help in everyday-life, so it is a goal for Recently Straight to train Church members across the nation how to erase the cultural corruption and fulfill the God-given needs.

Richard Cohen provides some of the best descriptions of what healthy holding therapy looks like and why it is so helpful and necessary in his text, Coming Out Straight, linked to from our resources page.

“Hasn’t science proved gay is ‘how you’re born’?”

Actually, science has observed the opposite.  Take identical twins as an example.  They have the same DNA, and were in the womb at the same time.  Whatever affects one before birth generally affects the other.  What affects them after birth, on the other hand, does not happen the same for the other.  If genetics were the determining factor, the identical twin of someone who identifies as ‘gay’ should also identify as ‘gay’ 100% of the time.  The actual number? 11%.  Other studies have seen 9%.  So the next question is why is that rate so high?  After all, only 2-3% of men identify as ‘gay’, so why is the rate higher for twins?  We do believe that increased emotional sensitivity may be a genetically-linked trait, and that increased emotional sensitivity makes it easier for someone to be emotional traumatized, but we don’t believe emotional sensitivity is unhealthy.  In fact we believe just the opposite: many times formerly-SSA men make the best husbands and fathers, because they are much more attuned to the emotional needs of their wives and children, and after learning how to re-parent themselves to help their “inner-child” (the subconscious) heal his emotional wounds, they make great parents.

“What’s your position on bullying?”

I am absolutely against bullying.  Bullying is both emotional and physical abuse, and it is a boundary violation.  First and foremost, it violates God’s command to “love your neighbor as yourself.”  Not only do many men with SSA have poorly established boundaries, but I’ve found modern American culture has many boundary problems.  Unfortunately some campaigns which may purport to discourage bullying are just trojan horses for anti-Biblical political agendas, while others are more emotional reactions in the form of passive-agressive actions instead of an emotionally sober response.  Please do not construe this as support or opposition to any particular anti-bullying campaign.  As Christians, we are charged with spreading God’s love for everyone, mutual respect for each other based on His love, and comfort those in grief, not demean and injure.

It is also my position that enforcing non-discrimination laws against those who do not agree to participate in same-sex weddings does not constitute slavery, which is an extreme form of bullying.

“What’s your position on ENDA?”

1) The Federal government is explicitly prohibited from making laws respecting the free exercise of religion in the 1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, therefore it is prohibited from making laws prohibiting employment decisions based on religious beliefs or a standard of employee conduct related to religious exercise.  Because it may not make these laws, it has no basis for jurisdiction involving them, with the exception of invalidating Federal laws which attempt to do so.   2) “Sexual orientation” lacks foundation as an entity in scientific literature.  Instead, evidence supporting the opposing belief: that all individuals are inherently heterosexual and SSA develops as the result of emotional wounds and unmet love needs finds increasing relevance in research and in formulating therapies to restore a healthy psyche.  Basing legislation on a condition which has not been observed is not sound governance.  3) It is the policy of Recently Straight LLC not to make SSA or OSA a sole determining factor in conducting business, nor to answer questions about the attractions of any contractee.  The beliefs of the contractees may vary, and are not necessarily the beliefs of the LLC.

“Won’t knowing ‘who they are in Christ’ change someone from gay to straight?”

Remember, the Bible says “in Christ, there is no Jew nor Greek; there is neither slave nor free, there is no male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28.  So understanding who you are in Christ is great, but it addresses a need in every human, male and female alike.  This particular aspect of Christianity does not explicitly directly address the issue of gender identity.  It may form a foundation to later address Biblical sexuality, but it does not specifically address the issue of eroticized same-sex attractions.  In reality, becoming Christian does not directly alleviate the eroticization of same-sex attractions.  Instead, since eroticized same-sex attractions are caused by unmet God-given love needs for other people and from traumatic emotional wounds, the path to healing usually takes years of hard work.

“Won’t ‘finding the right woman’ change someone from gay to straight?”

I hear this a bunch from Christians who quote 1 Corinthians 7.  The problem is that it is more-fundamental childhood needs which have not been met which lead to eroticized same-sex attractions.  This is why I always say “eroticized” same-sex attractions, which turns out to be a quote of Dr. Joe Nicolosi.  The same-sex attractions are preexisting: they’re healthy and normal; they’re necessary for proper gender attachment during and following the separation phase of childhood development.  But the child does not need or want sex – he doesn’t need or want the erotic – that won’t help him on his way.  My experience is when men allow their childhood needs to be met in healthy Biblical ways, their erotic desires are happy to take a back seat.  The problem is not their self-control: the problem is their emotional wounds and perceiving their same-sex needs as equal to their erotic desires.  If you offer advice which presumes that the legit same-sex needs are the same as the erotic desires, you are enforcing the double-bind instead of helping him separate them.

We never suggest a man to get divorced, but we also never suggest a man get married until he has healed his underlying emotional wounds.  For these men who think marriage will “fix” them need to read 1 Corinthians also: marriage will not make you happy.  I see between 30%-50% divorce rates from men who get married before healing their underlying emotional wounds.  What has happened in these cases is that they married a woman who didn’t want a healthy man, because of her own emotional wounds.  When he starts to heal, she isn’t ok with this “new man”, and wounds of her own caused by unhealthy men in her past come to the surface resulting in a desire to leave.  In cases where infidelity has happened, her decision to leave may be justified, but the percentage of wives who choose to leave despite their husband’s getting serious help is disheartening.  The other half of the women respect their husband’s healing process, are willing to “do their own work” (which means being willing to heal any emotional wounds she may have), forgive their husbands for his infidelity, and become their husband’s biggest supporters on their journey.  Women who make that choice are the most beautiful.  And yes, there are plenty of them out there.

“Is ‘don’t act on those desires’ good advice?”

Not even a little bit.  The problem is there is no such thing as actual homosexual desires, they are a mixture of fundamental same-sex needs and erotic desires.  Placing erotic desires on hold is great advice, but presenting the fore-gone conclusion that the same-sex needs and erotic desires are one in the same is speaking not from truth but from assumptions or from indoctrination from the gay lobby.  Biblical advice is we need to encourage men to get their legit same-sex needs met.  To do that we need to 1) use a metaphorical scalpel to separate what’s erotic and what’s not, and then 2) encourage them to be proactive and assertive in asking other men to help them meet their same-sex needs – from many men, not just one.  They will not change if their same-sex needs are not met in healthy non-erotic ways.  “Father’s, if you do not kiss your son, another man will.” – Richard Cohen.  If you successfully shut him down entirely, without separating what’s erotic and what’s not, you will have literally broken his masculine heart, and he will have a much more difficult time in therapy.