Category: Theology

Our concepts of “healthy” and “good” ultimately all stem from our religion or “worldview”, our “theology”. Without agreement of theology, we can expect no agreement on anything else, since our theology tells us how to interpret the world we see.

“Should we let homosexuals into our church?”

#1 This is a complex question which first assumes there are such people as “homosexual” people and “heterosexual” people; that is not evidenced in the research.  Instead, as Nicolosi states, there is only one kind of sexual person, people with naturally opposite-attracted erotic desires.  Some have had emotional wounds which result in their perceptions of themselves and their perceptions of others to be filtered to the extent that their God-given erotic desires mix with their God-given same-sex needs, i.e. “people with a homosexual problem”.  If the Church intends to reach out to the afflicted, these are people they need to be reaching.

#2 There is a difference between people who experience same-sex attraction and those who practice prohibited homosexual acts.  The Bible is clear that homosexual erotic acts are prohibited; it is also clear that anyone can be justified and sanctified by the redemption offered through Jesus.  It’s not up to you who gets into the Church, it’s up to Jesus, and He prayed for us not to be divided.

In general, I suggest anyone asking or wanting to answer these questions read The only 3 things I wish my straight Christian friends knew about homosexuality.

“What’s your position on bullying?”

I am absolutely against bullying.  Bullying is both emotional and physical abuse, and it is a boundary violation.  First and foremost, it violates God’s command to “love your neighbor as yourself.”  Not only do many men with SSA have poorly established boundaries, but I’ve found modern American culture has many boundary problems.  Unfortunately some campaigns which may purport to discourage bullying are just trojan horses for anti-Biblical political agendas, while others are more emotional reactions in the form of passive-agressive actions instead of an emotionally sober response.  Please do not construe this as support or opposition to any particular anti-bullying campaign.  As Christians, we are charged with spreading God’s love for everyone, mutual respect for each other based on His love, and comfort those in grief, not demean and injure.

It is also my position that enforcing non-discrimination laws against those who do not agree to participate in same-sex weddings does not constitute slavery, which is an extreme form of bullying.

“Won’t knowing ‘who they are in Christ’ change someone from gay to straight?”

Remember, the Bible says “in Christ, there is no Jew nor Greek; there is neither slave nor free, there is no male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28.  So understanding who you are in Christ is great, but it addresses a need in every human, male and female alike.  This particular aspect of Christianity does not explicitly directly address the issue of gender identity.  It may form a foundation to later address Biblical sexuality, but it does not specifically address the issue of eroticized same-sex attractions.  In reality, becoming Christian does not directly alleviate the eroticization of same-sex attractions.  Instead, since eroticized same-sex attractions are caused by unmet God-given love needs for other people and from traumatic emotional wounds, the path to healing usually takes years of hard work.

“Won’t ‘finding the right woman’ change someone from gay to straight?”

I hear this a bunch from Christians who quote 1 Corinthians 7.  The problem is that it is more-fundamental childhood needs which have not been met which lead to eroticized same-sex attractions.  This is why I always say “eroticized” same-sex attractions, which turns out to be a quote of Dr. Joe Nicolosi.  The same-sex attractions are preexisting: they’re healthy and normal; they’re necessary for proper gender attachment during and following the separation phase of childhood development.  But the child does not need or want sex – he doesn’t need or want the erotic – that won’t help him on his way.  My experience is when men allow their childhood needs to be met in healthy Biblical ways, their erotic desires are happy to take a back seat.  The problem is not their self-control: the problem is their emotional wounds and perceiving their same-sex needs as equal to their erotic desires.  If you offer advice which presumes that the legit same-sex needs are the same as the erotic desires, you are enforcing the double-bind instead of helping him separate them.

We never suggest a man to get divorced, but we also never suggest a man get married until he has healed his underlying emotional wounds.  For these men who think marriage will “fix” them need to read 1 Corinthians also: marriage will not make you happy.  I see between 30%-50% divorce rates from men who get married before healing their underlying emotional wounds.  What has happened in these cases is that they married a woman who didn’t want a healthy man, because of her own emotional wounds.  When he starts to heal, she isn’t ok with this “new man”, and wounds of her own caused by unhealthy men in her past come to the surface resulting in a desire to leave.  In cases where infidelity has happened, her decision to leave may be justified, but the percentage of wives who choose to leave despite their husband’s getting serious help is disheartening.  The other half of the women respect their husband’s healing process, are willing to “do their own work” (which means being willing to heal any emotional wounds she may have), forgive their husbands for his infidelity, and become their husband’s biggest supporters on their journey.  Women who make that choice are the most beautiful.  And yes, there are plenty of them out there.

“Is ‘don’t act on those desires’ good advice?”

Not even a little bit.  The problem is there is no such thing as actual homosexual desires, they are a mixture of fundamental same-sex needs and erotic desires.  Placing erotic desires on hold is great advice, but presenting the fore-gone conclusion that the same-sex needs and erotic desires are one in the same is speaking not from truth but from assumptions or from indoctrination from the gay lobby.  Biblical advice is we need to encourage men to get their legit same-sex needs met.  To do that we need to 1) use a metaphorical scalpel to separate what’s erotic and what’s not, and then 2) encourage them to be proactive and assertive in asking other men to help them meet their same-sex needs – from many men, not just one.  They will not change if their same-sex needs are not met in healthy non-erotic ways.  “Father’s, if you do not kiss your son, another man will.” – Richard Cohen.  If you successfully shut him down entirely, without separating what’s erotic and what’s not, you will have literally broken his masculine heart, and he will have a much more difficult time in therapy.